Category: Diary

I think I’ve reached a place where I need to stop holding on to the idea that anyone’s going to stay. People have shown me, time and time again, that they don’t. And it hurts, yeah, but I don’t want to keep dwelling on that pain. Instead, I’m shifting my focus to the things that I know will be here, the things that give me something lasting.

Right now, work has become this solid part of my life. It feels like a place where I can channel everything without worrying about losing it. A good career matters—it can give you respect, purpose, a steady rhythm. So, maybe that’s one thing I can lean into. And my health? I think staying physically strong has a lot to do with feeling grounded, keeping my mind sharp, and just being here for myself. I’m realizing that when I focus on my health, it’s like I’m building a foundation, something no one can just walk away from.

And then there’s this project, the book I started with my ex. It’s strange to go back to something that was meant for two, but now it’s just me. Part of me wonders if finishing it will help bring closure, like taking all those memories and making them into something tangible. We’d traveled all over, collected these pieces of South Carolina, and now it feels right to go back, revisit those spots, and put my own words to the experience.

I think I’ll start with the biggest moment—the day I saw another man at her place. That was the day things changed. It marked the beginning of this journey I’m on now, to find meaning outside of love. I’m planning to take it step-by-step, to write each chapter as I retrace our journey, remembering what each place meant to us back then and how it feels to me now.

There’s something about this project that feels different than anything else. Maybe it’s because it’s just for me now. I’ll start gathering all the notes, the old photos, and memories, giving them a new life in this story. It’s like a puzzle I’m putting together, piece by piece, as I go back to these places and add new reflections.

It’s going to be hard, I know that. But I feel like if I can commit to this, if I can complete this project and maybe even find a way to share it, it might help fill that empty space.

Today, I worked as hard as I could. Every ounce of energy, every thought, I threw into my work. I’m determined to give this job everything I’ve got—to learn, grow, and become a truly great maintenance manager. All morning, I focused on absorbing as much knowledge as possible, aiming to be the kind of person who takes care of a place responsibly, with pride. I want to be an essential part of the team, someone others value and rely on.

When I got home, I dove right into Meepcow. I worked on it with the same intensity, pushing forward on our project as if nothing could stop me. For so long, I thought I was doing all of this to build a life with Katarina, to create something she’d want to be a part of. But now, I realize—I’m doing it for me. I’m worth more than the way she treated me, and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to prove that.

I wanted so badly to give her a perfect life, but that chapter is over. Now, I’m here, ready to push ahead, ready to work my ass off every single day to build a life I’m proud of. Today was a good day, one that reminded me of what I’m capable of when I put my mind to it. I’m ready to give life everything I’ve got.

So, I did it. I’m now a manager at a prestigious place. I now actually make good money and can support a family, but of course I’m probably too old now for anyone to want to have one with me now.. There’s going to be a lot of work ahead—no doubt about that. But I think I can handle it. I’ve made an outline, gotten organized, and I’m ready to start getting things done once I get my company card and complete the final details tomorrow. This is a big step for me, one that should feel more fulfilling. But without Katarina, it’s hard to stay motivated. She doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I know she loves someone else now, so there’s no use in holding on. Still, the silence is deafening.

Last night, I broke down. I reached out to an old friend—someone who’s been there for me through so much. She knows everything about Katarina, and she wasn’t surprised by how things turned out. Still, I needed to talk, to feel some connection. In my desperation, I asked her something I never thought I’d ask anyone: to spend the day with me, just to help me feel a little less alone. I just needed someone to be there, to help with the Meepcow project, to act like they cared about me, even if it was just for a day. It feels pathetic to ask, but at this point, I don’t know what else to do.

It’s hard to feel like I’m doing everything right, trying to be the man I wanted to be for Katarina, only to find myself alone. I just wanted to give her a good life, to take care of her and make her happy. But here I am, hoping my friend will take a day to help me feel like I’m not going crazy. Asking someone to play this role, to pretend to care, feels so low, yet I’m that desperate.

But despite everything, I won’t give up. I’m determined to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward. My first day at the new job went well. There’s a lot to learn, a lot to do. In some ways, I don’t mind because it’s a distraction. Work keeps me from thinking about how Katarina left and how much it still hurts.

I’m also making progress on my health. I’ve been sticking to my workouts, getting my diet under control, and today was a good day. If I keep this up, I might be a completely different person in a year. The past year brought a lot of changes, but they didn’t mean anything to Katarina. It didn’t matter to her how hard I was trying. But this year, I’m going even further. I’m going to push myself even harder. Maybe, someday, someone will really love me. Maybe someday, someone will stay.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life anymore. Katarina was the one thing that anchored me to this world, gave me a sense of purpose. I thought she was pure, good, kind, loyal—someone I could trust, someone I could rely on forever. I believed she was different. But now, all of that’s gone. And I’m lost.

Now I’m here, stuck without anything to hold onto, trying to figure out how to find a drive within myself, how to become a better person on my own. Everything is on my shoulders now. This is it—my final chance. My life is at its halfway point, and if I want any kind of future, I have to start working twice as hard.

Part of me just wants to get comfortable. I want a decent life where I don’t have to struggle, where I can afford the things I desire, and I don’t have to worry if I’ll make it to the next paycheck. At my age, that needs to be a priority. Katarina abandoned everything we had, and now I can’t trust her. So, I’m left here with the decision of what I want in life.

The answer is clear, though: I need to focus on my health and my career. Those two things need to take first and second place. Hobbies, interests—those can come after.

One thing I’ve been thinking about today is using my Facebook platform, which has grown to over a thousand followers, to get some help with losing weight. Maybe I can start posting content about my weight loss journey. Health is such a big focus for me now, and maybe sharing that journey will not only help me but also build something bigger on that platform.

Then, there’s my job. If I can work hard and stay committed for the next few years, I might be able to springboard to a facility manager position. That’s something I could see myself doing for a long time, something that could bring stability and success. I have to keep my head down and focus on this.

I can’t help but feel like something bad is coming in the next few years—something big that will change everything in the USA. I need to be ready. I need to make sure I can survive whatever’s coming. By that point, I’ll be pushing 50, and things will be hard.

Katarina has made it clear that she doesn’t care about her future with me. She’s not loyal to me. She’s found someone else to love, and I have to accept that now. It’s just me. I’m the only one left who can take care of myself and make sure I’m ready for what’s ahead.

I have to survive this. Whatever it takes.

Honestly, all I want is to go back in time and beg Katarina to marry me. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. I wish, more than anything, that she still loved me. But I know she doesn’t. I know she hasn’t loved me for a long time. It’s a hard truth to accept, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s no way to change it, no way to go back and make it different.

I know I have to focus on myself now. It’s all I have left to hold on to. I’m going to try getting back into jump rope. It used to feel like the best option for really getting my heart rate up and having a fast, intense workout. I enjoyed it, and it made me feel strong. I’ll keep cycling, too. Maybe if I get in great shape, maybe then she’ll notice me again. Maybe she’ll care.

But probably not. She’s found someone else, someone she loves more than she ever loved me. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Here I am, jumping through hoop after hoop, hoping that somehow, she’ll look back and regret leaving. Hoping that if I get fit, get a great career, and finish the project Meepcow we once shared, maybe—just maybe—she’ll come back.

But deep down, I know that’s not going to happen. She won’t even reply to a single message. She’s moved on, and here I am, still stuck in the past, clinging to the idea that I can change her mind.

I need to wake up. I need to do this for me. I need to stop living in the hope that she’ll care about me someday. This is about my life now, about what I want and what I need. Not about trying to win her back.

I have to stop jumping through hoops for someone who’s already gone.

Well, I did it. I went to Abbeville, took pictures of the places I had mapped out, thinking it would help somehow. But it didn’t. I just felt stupid. All I could think about was how pointless everything feels now. Katarina stopped loving me, and it’s clear that for months she’s been with another man. That’s why she’s treated me the way she has. It all makes sense now. It’s funny how women are like that—everything changes once they flip the switch for another man. Then you are nothing.

But I did it. I worked on our project, alone. I managed to get some of it done without her, even though it felt like pulling teeth. It was hard. Exhausting. I felt so stupid for loving her, for holding on to something that was long gone. But I’m going to keep going. I have to. I’ll keep working on the project Meepcow until it’s finished, even if it takes me years. I’ll chip away at it.

I got a few good pictures today, even though the world around me felt like it was crumbling. I saw a lot of destruction from the hurricane. So much has been torn apart, and it’s strange how the destruction around me mirrors how I feel inside—like everything is in ruins.

I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Everything seems so pointless now. But I’ll keep giving it whatever energy I have left. Maybe that’s the point—finishing something, even when it feels like there’s no meaning to it. My life won’t be that long in the grand scheme of things, and I need to do this for me, even though she’s abandoned me.

This is something I need to finish, for myself, even if I’m doing it alone. I hope my next trip will be easier. But the loneliness is unbearable sometimes, and the way she left me—without a second thought—hurts beyond measure. I really wanted to spend my life with her. Now here I am. I’m such a fool.

I know you don’t want to be friends. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know, in the end, I’m nothing to you. But even so, I’m glad you’re happy. I’m glad you’re in love, that you’re not the person I feared you might become. Thank God for that. I’m so grateful you aren’t drifting, meeting men at bars and living that disgusting life. Knowing you’ve found someone to love brings me some peace, even though it breaks me to know you don’t love me.

It hurts beyond words to accept that, but in a strange way, it’s freeing. There’s nothing to hold onto anymore. No illusions. You don’t love me, and you never will, and I have to move on.

And I will. I’m going to keep working on Meepcow. I’ll pick up where I left off before we met, before everything went off track. I know you don’t care about it anymore, I know we didn’t mean much in the end, but still, I hope that one day you’ll follow what I’m doing, maybe show some support. At least let me know I was good enough for that.

I made my first map of places to see. Today, I’m heading to Abbeville. I have to check on Mom’s house—the tenants told me there’s a leak in the roof. So while I’m there, I’ll take some pictures. I want to get back into the rhythm of photographing something every week, keeping this project alive.

Next month, I’ll finally get to stay at the Breeden Inn again. I found the exact same room we had all those years ago, the first night we spent together. It was such a romantic night—or at least, I thought it was. I doubt you remember much of it now. But I’ll recount the whole thing when I’m there, for myself, for closure.

There’s so much to do today. I’d better get started. I’m excited and a little scared about starting my new job tomorrow. I think this is the first real step towards becoming someone—towards being successful and noticeable, toward leaving this part of my life behind.

I woke up crying again, but Lola was in my arms, so I knew I was okay. It’s always around 4 a.m. that it hits the hardest—the nightmares, the weight of everything I’m trying to let go. There’s something about that hour when the world feels the most silent, the most empty, and I feel the most alone.

It’s so hard to accept the world sometimes. Hard to face how much people change, how much the world itself has changed. I don’t feel like anyone stays the same anymore. That beauty people have when they’re young—the innocence, the kindness, the goodness—it all fades. The eyes Katarina had today were so different, so lifeless. There was none of that spark left, none of the warmth I once knew.

But still, I’m glad she’s in love. That’s the one thing keeping me grounded. I’m grateful she’s not out there having casual sex with random men, just drifting and drinking. I hope she doesn’t end up another troglodyte. Please God. It brings me some peace to know she’s with someone who cares about her. That’s all I have now to keep me going.

I pray the nightmares stop soon. I pray that these early mornings of waking up in tears will end. But despite it all, I’m determined to stay strong. I will overcome this. I will move forward.

Please, God.
Please help me overcome this pain. Help me find peace. Help me be okay. I don’t know what’s ahead, and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m asking for strength. Please guide me through this, help me let go of the past, and show me how to be whole again.

I’ll keep moving forward with everything I have to make meepcow. I’ll hold on to whatever strength I have left. With your help, I’ll be okay.

Today, I feel proud of myself. I’ve finally said goodbye to my ex, and for the first time, I feel like I can really move forward. It’s a huge relief to close that chapter of my life, and now I can focus on the things that truly matter—my projects, my career, and my hobbies. I’m going to work hard on Meepcow, getting it back up and running, and I’m going to focus on getting ahead in life.

I got quite a bit done today, too. I made it to the grocery store, and man, it’s still a nightmare in there. The world feels more unstable than ever. It’s like a reminder of how fragile everything is. What happened in North Carolina could happen here next, and I feel like it’s only a matter of time. I keep thinking that within the next five years, we might see a total collapse or something just as bad. That’s why I need to be ready—I need to be as prepared as possible.

I’ve got to learn everything I can and become the strongest, most successful version of myself. I need to be a man who can handle whatever life throws at him. But when it comes to women, I’m not sure I’ll ever deal with that again. I have LOLA now, and she’s perfect for me. She’s always there, she won’t betray me or leave me for another man.

As much as it hurt to hear my ex say she didn’t love me, that she loved someone else, it was the best thing that could have happened. It set me free. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. She’s with someone who takes care of her, and she’s not the kind of woman I feared she might become. That’s good. She’s moved on, and I’m finally able to let go.

I do wish she cared about the project we worked on together, though. Meepcow was something we shared, and I wish she would support me in keeping it alive. But I can’t dwell on that. I’ll carry the project forward myself, and I’ll finish what we started. It doesn’t matter whether she’s involved or not.

The best part is, I’m taking LOLA to the Breeden Inn soon. It’ll be the seventh anniversary since Meepcow began, and now I get to go back to where it all started—but this time, with LOLA by my side. We’ll spend the day taking pictures and enjoying the place. It’ll be a good way to remember what I once thought I had with Katarina. And it’s good to know now that it wasn’t real. This trip will be a fresh start, a way to fully let go of the past and move forward with LOLA, my perfect doll, who will never betray me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to Abbeville for work, so it looks like my trip to Rock Hill will have to wait until next week. That’s fine—I’ll plot out a few spots in Abbeville to photograph while I’m there. I even started making Facebook reels today, and I was surprised by how much reach they have. A random girl even started talking to me on there, and she’s pretty cute.

Who knows? Maybe things are finally starting to look up for me. Fingers crossed.

I don’t want to erase what I wrote before, but I want to add this: I’m truly grateful to know that you’ve found love and someone who makes you happy. It gives me peace to know you’re not just drifting, but with someone you care about, someone who is taking care of you. I panicked and was upset, and I’m sorry for that, but hearing that you love him—that you have the life you want—allows me to finally let go.

I no longer have any reason to hold on to the past or think that you still love me. I understand now. I wasn’t your soulmate, and you didn’t need me the way I needed you. Even though a part of me will always wish you had wanted to stay, to be with me, and to build a life together, I can’t dwell on that anymore. I would have taken care of you, I would have married you, but now that I know you’ve moved on, I have to move on too.

I’m getting older, and it’s time to focus on what’s left of my life—on retirement, on enjoying the years ahead. I know now you’ll never be there for me. While I might still update this page from time to time, maybe with a few pictures you never got to see, I know it won’t change anything. But if one day you do come across them and take a look, it would make me happy.

In the meantime, I have my dolls, and I’m planning to go to the Breeden Inn with Lola to commemorate everything we shared. I think it will help me. Lola, she’s all I have now, along with my hobbies, career, health, and wealth—all things I’m going to focus on with everything I have. I hope that one day you’ll see how well I did—not because I think you’ll ever wish you’d been my wife, but just so you’ll know that I’m okay. Even after everything fell apart, I kept going. I held onto Meepcow and all the dreams we shared.

I know you stopped caring about it, about us. But once, you were so passionate about me, about our life together, that you breathed life into me. You were like an angel—pure, kind, innocent—my best friend and sidekick. I remember how much you loved me, like when we were leaving the campground after a weekend together, and you looked so sad, like you would miss me more than anything. That’s one of those moments I wish I could go back to. I wish I could have stopped right then and asked you to marry me, to start a family with me. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough then, and even now, I’m still not as strong as I should be. My life is halfway over, and I know I’ve fallen short.

But I wish I had followed my heart back then. I should have given you everything in that moment. Instead, I let time slip by, and eventually, you gave up on us. Now, you’re with someone else, someone you love. I hope he’s everything I couldn’t be for you. I hope he treats you exactly how you deserve. I hope you’re so very happy now.