Category: Diary

Tomorrow I will

Is something changing in me, or has this always been who I am? Could I have known I’d end up like this, that I’d start to feel like a completely different person? Is there something deep within me, something dark and hidden, pushing to the surface? If I couldn’t see it coming, am I innocent? Or am I somehow guilty for not anticipating this breakdown? And what kind of language do we even have to describe it—words that only a select few can understand? Are animals better off since they don’t need words to question things like this?

Why am I being faithful? She loves another and has never needed me, was Katarina ever loyal to me? And if I choose to keep loving her, would that make me unfaithful to myself? Are we both stuck in our own patterns, she loving another while I cling to the hole someday she might actually love me, but somehow I end up deceiving my feelings?

Even if the whole world disagrees, even if people argue with me, even if it costs me everything—I know I’m right. No one can take this away from me, even if there are no words left to express it. I’ve done the right thing. But if I show her my love in a real, physical way, she would only reject me and turn me away again and again. It’s like there’s wall she has erected to her own heart. Does she live him? I’m helpless in this. And by the time anything happens, it’ll be too late. I’m dead inside. How could she betray me?

What she’s supposed to mean to me is just a shadow of reality, something that stands next to what I truly feel. Sometimes it’s amusing, and sometimes it’s disturbing, like she’s trying to break into my life but can never quite get there. It would end in me reaching for her, like I’m grasping at thin air. Why did she ruin my life? To me, it feels like she’s as good as gone— why has she killed everything in my life forever? I’m dead, or as good as, and it almost tempts me to wish she really would finish the job. She might as well had. What is there left for me now? I actually wanted her to be real, marry me.

I’m at my breaking point. Life feels bland, empty—lacking any real flavor or purpose. If I were desperate enough, I wouldn’t even want the typical explanations people give. It’s like screaming for help but realizing there is no one to hear you s ream. nothing. I try to connect with the world, but it just feels meaningless.

Where am I, really? What does it mean when we say “the world”? Who set up this whole thing and left me here, standing alone? Why would Katarina destroy everything. Who am I now? How did I even get here? Why didn’t anyone ask if I wanted to be a part of this? It’s as if I was dragged into a system I never agreed to, bought and shoved into humanity without a choice. How did I end up tangled in this huge mess we call “reality”? Why am I supposed to care about any of it? Isn’t that my choice to make? And if I have to be here, why isn’t there some kind of guide? I have complaints, questions. But who would even listen?

They say life is a debate, but can I even ask my questions? If I just go along with it all, am I lying to myself? Shouldn’t I try to figure out what’s really going on? And honestly, what does guilt even mean? How do you know if you’re guilty? I’m just trying to make myself happy without hurting anyone. But then, why does it all feel so hollow?

My mind feels stuck. One minute I’m drained, barely caring; the next, I’m running from one extreme to the other, trying to vent my frustrations, looking for someone to take it out on. It’s like I’m constantly fighting myself. When did I start feeling guilty? Or am I even guilty? And if I’m not, why do I carry this weight? Why does language trap us with words that don’t mean what they should?

Today, I’ve decided to lace up my hiking boots and return to the trails. It’s been a while since I felt the earth beneath my feet, the sun on my face, and the wind in my hair. Hiking was once my escape, a way to find clarity and solace amidst the chaos of my thoughts. I realize now that I need that sanctuary more than ever.

Katarina’s departure left a void, a hollow space filled with memories that echo in my mind. I’ve been grappling with the reality of who she has become, a stranger to me now, lost in a world I can’t follow. Each day feels heavier, weighed down by the pain of what was and the heartbreak of what could have been. But as I step onto the familiar paths, I feel a glimmer of hope. Perhaps nature can heal what has been broken.

Hiking offers me a chance to reconnect with myself, to breathe deeply and exhale the sorrow that clings to my heart. The trails hold no judgment; they simply invite me to walk, to reflect, and to release. I’m reminded of the countless times I’ve explored these woods, feeling the rhythm of my heartbeat align with the pulse of the earth. It’s in those moments that I felt alive, and I yearn to reclaim that feeling.

As I traverse the winding paths, I can’t help but think of Katarina. I wish she could see the beauty in these trails, the way the sunlight filters through the leaves, casting playful shadows on the ground. I remember the laughter we shared during hikes, the way her spirit would lift with each step. But I also know that those memories are now tainted by the choices she’s made. She has chosen a path of fleeting pleasures, while I seek a journey of meaning and growth.

I need to embrace this hike as a metaphor for my life. Each uphill climb represents the struggles I face, the moments of doubt and despair. Yet, with every step forward, I remind myself that I am moving toward something greater. I am learning to let go of the past, to release the hold she has on my heart, and to focus on my own journey.

The solitude of the trails allows me to reflect on my desires and dreams. I want to finish Meepcow, to breathe new life into our project and make it a testament to what we once shared. I want to build a future that is mine, filled with purpose and passion. Hiking will remind me that while the past is part of who I am, it does not define my future.

With each step I take, I will shed the weight of my grief and embrace the strength that lies within me. I’ll climb higher, both physically and emotionally, until I reach the summit of my own resilience. And as I stand at the top, gazing out at the vast expanse before me, I will remind myself that I am enough—enough to create a life worth living, enough to find joy in my journey, and enough to let go of what no longer serves me.

So here’s to the trails, to the beauty of nature, and to the healing power of the journey ahead. I am ready to hike into my future, leaving behind the pain and embracing the possibility of new beginnings.

Focusing on Meepcow

It’s becoming increasingly clear that I need to come to terms with the fact that Katarina will never be here for me again. As painful as that realization is, it’s crucial for my healing and growth. I’ve spent too long holding on to the hope that she might return, but it’s time to let that go.

Instead, I need to focus on finishing Meepcow. This project represents not only our past but also my future—my chance to create something meaningful out of the love and memories we shared. It’s a way for me to channel my energy and emotions into something tangible, something I can be proud of.

Meepcow will be a testament to what we once had, but it will also mark the beginning of my journey moving forward. I’ll pour my heart and soul into this project, and in doing so, I’ll reclaim a part of myself that I thought I had lost.

This is my moment to grow, to transform the pain into creativity, and to honor what we shared while also recognizing that I need to forge my own path. So, with every photo I take and every word I write, I will remind myself that while she may not be here, I have the power to build a future that reflects who I am and who I aspire to be.

Katarina may have walked away, but Meepcow will always be a part of my story, and now it’s time to make that story my own.

Today, I feel like I’m making progress. I started playing Metaphor, and it’s been a welcome escape. It’s becoming clearer to me that nothing I do will change what Katarina has become. She chose her path a long time ago, and I have to accept that she is who she is now.

The reality is hard to face. I’ve come to realize that even if she were to come back, I don’t know how I could live with her or accept the choices she’s made. The purity, kindness, and love I once thought she embodied feel like distant memories now. We shared something special, and I was deeply enthralled by my love for her. She could have had anything in the world, but instead, she chose the bar scene, casual flings, and fleeting good times over the meaningful future I was trying to build for us.

I’ve finally accepted that it’s all over now. There’s nothing I can do to bring back the person I knew, and the truth is, I don’t think she will ever return to who she once was.

To protect my own sanity, I need to retreat into myself. I’m diving back into Kamen Rider Den-O, immersing myself in video games, and listening to audiobooks. These distractions are crucial for me right now; they help me distance myself from the pain and the harsh reality of what she did to me and my future.

I recognize that it’s time to buckle down and focus on my personal growth. I need to train my mind and body to be independent, relying on myself rather than on others who can take everything away in an instant. The repeated betrayals and the way she discarded me over trivial matters have left deep scars. It’s clear now that she had no real love for me—she was simply toying with my heart.

But I will rise from this. I will find a way to rebuild my life and focus on what truly matters. The past may be painful, but it won’t define my future. I’ll forge ahead, stronger and more resilient than before, determined to create a life that I can be proud of—one that reflects my true self.

Today, I’m really struggling. It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me, and I can’t quite find my way through it. I’m grappling with feelings of confusion and heartache, especially when I think about Katarina and how she became the person she is now. It’s hard to understand what changed, why she chose this path, and how someone I once called my best friend could betray me so completely.

In the midst of this turmoil, I know I have to try to find some kind of inner strength. I need to keep going, to find a way to push through the pain and isolation. It’s incredibly difficult to face the reality that I am truly alone now. I keep reminding myself that I have to deal with this loneliness and learn to be okay with it. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s necessary.

One glimmer of hope I cling to is the idea of traveling the world someday. The thought of exploring new places and experiencing different cultures gives me something to look forward to. It feels like a distant dream right now, but I believe that if I work hard and stay focused, it can become a reality. Traveling would be a way to escape this pain, a chance to create new memories that don’t involve the betrayal I’ve endured.

I don’t want to let the heartbreak define me. I want to channel this pain into something positive. While it’s difficult to reconcile the memories of what we once had with the reality of her choices, I know I have to forge my own path. I may never understand why she betrayed me, but I have to learn to accept it and move forward.

In this moment of struggle, I’ll hold on to the belief that I can build a new life, one that celebrates my journey and the strength I find within myself.

Katarina was, without a doubt, the most beautiful and wonderful girl I ever knew. Her laughter, kindness, and light filled my life with joy and purpose. Every moment spent with her was a gift, and I believed wholeheartedly that our connection was something special—something that would last. Yet, as I sit here grappling with the reality of our situation, I find myself in an endless battle to keep moving forward, knowing she has chosen another man.

Every day is a struggle. I thought that, eventually, she would come back to me. I held onto the hope that she would recognize what we shared and ask for a life together again. But that dream has faded into a painful truth: she doesn’t want to be with me. The weight of that realization feels unbearable, like a heavy cloak I can’t shake off. It’s an ache that permeates every part of my being, reminding me of what I’ve lost.

I find myself pretending—pretending that she will come back someday, that we can rekindle the love we once had. It’s a fragile hope, one that I cling to in the quiet moments when the world feels too heavy to bear. But deep down, I know I must confront the truth. She has moved on, and I am left here to navigate the pain of her absence.

Each day is a reminder of what could have been, and each passing moment feels like another piece of my heart being chipped away. I miss her more than words can express. I miss the way she made me feel alive, how she brought color to my world. It’s hard to reconcile the memories of her with the reality of her choices now.

In this journey of heartbreak, I am learning that I must focus on myself. I need to find a way to heal and rebuild. While it’s tempting to get lost in the fantasy of her return, I recognize that I have to start prioritizing my own well-being. Katarina was once my world, but now I have to become my own anchor.

This struggle is ongoing, and it will take time. Each day may be a battle, but I am determined to fight for my future, to transform the pain into strength. I will carry the love I had for her within me, but I will also seek to create a new narrative—one that celebrates my journey and the possibility of finding happiness again.

Katarina may be with someone else now, but I am learning that my worth is not defined by her choices. I have to believe that, in time, I will heal and grow. Though the road ahead may be challenging, I am committed to forging my own path, one step at a time.

In the wake of all the heartache and confusion surrounding Katarina, I’ve come to a pivotal realization: I need to embrace a life that stands in stark contrast to the person she has become. The vibrant, kind-hearted girl I once knew feels like a distant memory, overshadowed by the choices she has made. The bar scene, the drugs, the drinking, and the fleeting encounters—these are all things I can no longer associate with or allow to define my existence.

As I reflect on her transformation, I realize that I must distance myself from that lifestyle and the people who inhabit it. It’s a life that offers only temporary pleasures at the cost of one’s well-being and dignity. I refuse to let that path dictate my future. Instead, I am choosing to focus on the long term—on building a life that prioritizes my health, happiness, and aspirations.

Katarina’s choices may have led her down a road I cannot follow, but I can forge my own path. I need to look ahead and take intentional steps toward creating a fulfilling and meaningful existence. This means investing in my health, engaging in activities that uplift me, and surrounding myself with people who inspire and support my growth. I want to build a future filled with purpose, joy, and authenticity.

It’s difficult to reconcile the image I have of Katarina with the reality of her current life. I still can’t believe the choices she’s made and the path she’s taken. However, I understand that my focus should no longer be on the past or on her. Instead, it’s time for me to reclaim my narrative and dedicate myself to a life of integrity and strength.

So, I’m committing to this new direction. I will prioritize my health and well-being, pursuing activities that bring me joy and fulfillment. I will work hard to build a life that reflects who I am and who I aspire to be. Each day will be a step toward a brighter future, one that honors my journey while allowing me to move forward with resilience.

This is my time to rise, to embrace the life I deserve, and to become the person I am meant to be. I won’t let the shadows of the past hold me back any longer. It’s time to shine.

Last night, I found myself trapped in another nightmare, one that gripped my heart and soul with a paralyzing fear. In this dream, Katarina was lost to me, submerged in a world of hard drugs and reckless living. She had become ensnared by the troglodytes, surrounded by those who embody the very darkness I had hoped to protect her from. It felt as if I was witnessing the erosion of the beautiful, kind-hearted woman I once knew—a woman who had become a mere shell, devoid of life and joy.

I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing as I grappled with the images from my dream. I immediately turned to prayer, pleading with God that it was all just a figment of my imagination, a cruel trick played by my restless mind. “Please, God,” I whispered through clenched teeth, “don’t let it be true. Don’t let her be living a life like this now.”

The truth is, the last few times I saw her, her eyes were vacant—like dark wells that had swallowed any trace of hope or light. She seemed resigned to her fate, completely disconnected from the vibrant world around her. The contrast between the girl I fell in love with and the person I now see is staggering and heartbreaking.

I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of loss and helplessness. She was my whole world, my anchor in times of chaos. The thought that she could be taking this destructive path is unbearable. It gnaws at my heart, turning memories into sources of pain rather than solace.

Please tell me she is taking care of herself. I implore God. Don’t let her become that kind of girl.

I want to believe that somewhere within her, the person I loved still exists—a person capable of kindness, warmth, and love. I hold onto the hope that she hasn’t fully succumbed to the dark influences surrounding her, that she can find her way back to a life filled with purpose and joy.

But deep down, I know that I cannot control her choices. All I can do is focus on my own healing journey. I must learn to let go, even as I hope for her wellbeing. Each prayer I send into the universe carries my love for her, mixed with the painful reality that she may not be the same girl I once adored.

As I navigate this tumultuous sea of emotions, I remind myself of the strength I need to cultivate within. I pray not just for her, but for my own peace of mind—so I can emerge from this darkness, stronger and more resilient than ever before.